TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully from place. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have An additional area wherever American Adult males can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: give everyone a collection on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft energy," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he should really prevent working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the venture, replied, "You realize, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." Trump Tower Damascus The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Area, a element remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after finding the constructing's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting attention from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort wherever my PTSD might have transform-down service."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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